To my future husband

I'm so young. Yet I think about my future all the time. One of the things currently rattling my mind is who my future husband will be. 

Where is he at this very moment?

What is he doing? Thinking?

What does he want to do?

Who/what does he aspire to be?

Do we like the same music? Food? Movies?

How many kids does he want?

Does he wonder where I am? Knowing that I'm some where imagining he exist the same reason I do. Because we were made for one another. Molded from the same clay. To spend our lives together. 

How will I know it's him? 

Will a light shine down on him and music will start playing in the background and our souls will recognize one another? 

It all just seems so crazy to me sometimes. I do want to share my life with someone one day. Someone that makes me unbelievably happy. Sometimes mad. But right now as I'm laying in my bed it all just seems so crazy. How do you live with someone. See them everyday for the rest of your life? Wake up..they're there. Come home..they're there. Come out of the bathroom after taking a shit...surprise they're still there. What if they eat my favorite snacks..or cereal? What if their farts are THAT bad. Oh lord what if they snore! 

What if I marry the wrong person and end up getting a divorce. I'll be just like the rest of the world. Bankrupt, Divorced, Alone, and Bitter. I'll be broken and empty inside. 

Were only meant for one. 

Sickness and Health

I'm terrified to get married. 

Yeah I'm only 19 but it isn't like I haven't thought about being married and sharing my life one day. Having 2.5 kids and a golden retriever whose name is Ben. What if I get a divorce. That would tear me apart. I wouldn't be whole. That's what marriage is finding the one person you can't live without and sharing your life with each other. My 24 yr old brother is married and I'm so happy he got his happy ever after. I love my sister in law and my beautiful niece. My 22 yr old brother is in a relationship and it's serious. I just moved to Texas with my uncle. I've been in one relationship that lasted 2 months. Maybe I'm meant to be alone.

But I want that earth shattering all consuming butterflies in your stomach love. Waking up thinking of him. Going to bed thinking of him. And vice versa. I'd like to think that there is someone out in the world who was made specifically to love all of me. I'm a mess. I'm all over the place completely random have mood swings but I'm generally happy or sleepy I like going out as much as the next girl but Id love to sit on the balcony looking out over Texas and drink some sweet tea and just chill/read/or just listen to music. What's wrong with wanting to be home? I'm a homebody. And it's disappointing and sad that most guys in my generation just want a "Bae" or a "boo". I'm not saying we have to get married with the white picket fence. But I'd love to just...I don't know be with someone. I'm not a one night girl. I demand more than that. I'm worth more than that, so much more. But I'm scared no one will catch me. 

12:26

It's at a time like this, right after work, when I'm most irritated, everything that's ever pissed me off comes rushing to the forefront of my mind. Making it's presence known. I'm not really irritated but I sort of am. Blogger for me is therapeutic because there's way to many family members on Facebook and if they knew half the things that ran through my mind daily, I'd be getting phone calls out of the wazoo. 

What really is bothering me tonight is I have plenty of cousins/friends/siblings not speaking their minds. Afraid of disappointing their parents or people around them. I understand not wanting to disappoint people you care about. But holding back and not be the person you truly are is not truly living. Your surviving, getting by..for what? Be who you want to be. You only get one life and you should live it the way you want to. I don't want to be one of those miserable adults who wishes they would of done this or said that. Say what you feel. Love who you love. Be who you really are. And if they don't like it screw them. I wasn't put on the earth to please the guy at table 6.